Remember this Letter
by FormidableJoy
Summary: Post 8X02. Kate writes a letter to Castle attempting to explain and ease the transition. Spoilers for those who haven't seen the episode.


**Remember this Letter**

Despite the steely determination lining her features, the tears still track down her cheeks. Despite the resolve hardening her posture, her shoulders shake with supressed sobs.

She turns, once, when she's walked far enough to be able to look up at the lights of their – his – loft. But though she can picture his disbelieving face as she turned and left, and though she can only imagine what he looks like now her departure is sinking in, she does not return.

There is one more thing she needs to do.

* * *

She rests the suitcase outside the glass-panelled door with a certain relief. The action of wheeling it through the streets of New York served to pull on her newest wound, aggravating the fresh stitches and breaking any delicately forming clots. She selects the key, one she insisted she be given in case of emergencies, and unlocks the door.

The office is thankfully empty and she hurries across to Castle's expansive dark-wood desk. She plucks up his favoured fountain and selects a sheaf of his frankly ostentatious parchment. Alongside his Ferrari and gaming technology, his writing implements are some of the very few pursuits upon which he lavishes his money.

Swiping a stray tear from beneath her eye, she puts pen to paper and begins.

* * *

From her vantage point, on a rooftop across the street, she watches the familiar form of her husband when he notices the sealed envelope on his P.I. desk.

He sinks into the chair, his fingers merely tracing the handwriting on the front. Her heart aches at this. Even with binoculars, she is unable to make out his expression, yet his actions belie such tenderness and disorientation

Finally, he carefully – reverently even, if she's going to interpret his actions – slides the folded paper from within its sheaf and begins to read.

* * *

 _Rick_

 _I wish I was better with words. I wish I was more like you. You always manage to heal me, Rick, with your actions, but most of all your words. But I hurt you, again and again with my actions. And my words are not enough to explain why I do the things I do. So here is me trying, babe._

 _First, please know that I love you. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much. I love you more and more each day and I don't even know how that's possible. Please, please, don't doubt that._

 _I know I deserve it, but it's breaking my heart to be away from you. I keep thinking of what we should be doing. Would we be sleeping, or making love? Or perhaps eating, going out to a movie. Or just being together. Sometimes I love it most when we're just silently together, walking hand-in-hand, or reading on the couch. Just knowing you're there. Or_

 _Fuck. I've just made it worse for you, haven't I? This is what I mean by my inability to fix things with my words. I could tear this up and start again. But I promised myself I'd give you an honest insight into me. Let you see how messed up I am._

 _And I am messed up, Rick. I thought my sessions with Burke years ago had fixed me, to an extent at least. I thought I was better, I thought I was good enough to have more in my life. I thought I was finally good enough for you._

 _But it turns out I'm not. I'm just as caught up in my history now as I was when we first met. Probably more so. And that's part of why I had to leave. I have to fix things. I have to get better, for real this time. I can't keep hurting you._

 _About what Bracken said to you… It's not true, babe. Not true at all. I love being married to you. The day we finally exchanged our vows was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. You make me happy. Please don't think I left because of that. I want to stay married to you, Rick. One day, I hope we can be together again. I want that so so desperately. Please, hold on to that._

 _Finally, Rick, please stay safe. And please try and be happy. If you feel, now or in the future, that you want to be free of me… Do it. What I want most of all is for you to be safe and happy. And right now, me being around you is achieving neither of those._

 _I love you. Always._

 _Kate_

* * *

Rick lowers the paper. He bows his head into his hands and his shoulders shake with sobs inaudible to her.

Kate lower the binoculars. She too bows her head and chokes on sobs which are unheard from her lonely position.

 ** _Fin_**

* * *

 _A/N: So this kind of happened. Being in the UK, I've only been able to watch highlight clips on YouTube (I'm so confused!), so if it seemed kind of vague, that's why. Thank you for reading!_


End file.
